Author Topic: The Never Ending Story  (Read 3589 times)

Steve

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The Never Ending Story
« on: February 14, 2009, 06:23:58 PM »
I wrote this on the bus on the way up. I hate writing poetry that rhymes, and my writers block the last years has really been the reason i stopped writing. The original was written in November about me and Heather after i moved to be near her. This one is 90% of the original, tailored a slight bit. The original never had the ending or the title, that is new.

She has never seen it before, but poetry came up not long ago and she wants to read it. I keep wanting to change it, because i dont want to seem like some lame typical writer. I used to be so talented for all this (AP English teacher uses my writings from senior year in her college course) but i have lost my confidence.

So tear me a new one. I'm actually proud of this, hopefully im right  :dblthumb2:

As I lie here tonight and think about the past,
I see mistakes and choices I never should have made.
Relationships I thought would always last,
Memories and the moments, have some begun to fade.

The road has been so long, with many twists and turns,
But those who walk a straight path never really learn.
I continued through the failures, I pushed through the pain,
I smile at the losses, because for them I'm not the same.

The story of my life plays like a movie, it reads just like a book.
A riddle of amazing memories, risky chances that I took.
My heart it has been broken, some pain will always stay;
But these are lessons we all learn, all along the way.

Slowly I reflect upon my thoughts, to see where I went wrong,
And for the first time in my life, this reflection is so clear.
These decisions I have made, these things I have done,
Are simply the equation,
To a sum that brought me here.

As I lie awake alone here in my bed,
In this same town you now rest your head.
The road has been tough, the future might be too,
But every decision was perfect, because it put me here with you.

This moment brings me comfort, as I ease off into sleep,
And no matter what may come, my heart you always keep.
I can't describe the feelings, your smile brings my way,
The things you make me feel, each and every day.

This poem has no end, no fade to it's glory.
This is simply a short portion,
Of our never ending story.
hey ethic if you and i were both courting lily allen..... oh wait, which one of us has a relationship that lasted more than the bus ride home?

Steve

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Re: The Never Ending Story
« Reply #1 on: February 14, 2009, 06:40:30 PM »
Who knows she liked this one. I wrote this on my blackberry on the bus because she was having a really bad night. Crying and the like. I wrote it fast and half asleep so its the typical lame cheesey trying for bonus points poetry. But she said it was good and she liked it. I dont like it:

I know you feel down,
I know you feel sad.
I know certain things,
Are making you feel bad.

But when you feel weak,
Or when you feel scared,
You can be sure,
I'm always prepared.

I'm ready with hands,
To have and to hold.
I'm ready with arms,
In them you'll never be cold.

When you shed tears,
Or when you feel doubt,
I'll squash those fears,
And tough it all out..

I can't fix it all,
I can't stop you to cry,
But no matter what happens,
I'll promise to try.

We all need some help,
And we all sometimes fall,
But I promise you my love,
I'm here for it all.
hey ethic if you and i were both courting lily allen..... oh wait, which one of us has a relationship that lasted more than the bus ride home?

Rob

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Re: The Never Ending Story
« Reply #2 on: February 15, 2009, 04:48:31 AM »
I'll let some of the poetry buffs here critique these in depth for you, but just a couple of comments.

:thumbsup: for posting these. It's always hard to post personal stuff on teh intraweb, so good on you.

Try changing some of the lines so that they 'scan' better. I'm a sucker for meter and rythm in writing. Take the first line and say it out loud.

"As I lie here tonight and think about the past,"

For me, that 'about' in the middle fucks up the rythm. How about

"As I lie here tonight in thoughts of the past,"

To me that flows off the tongue better.

"The story of my life plays like a movie, it reads just like a book."

Consider

"My life's story plays like a movie, reads like a book."

Just mo, but sometimes it's about what you leave out, as much as what you put in.

Nonetheless, nice work. Hone it down a bit more and you'll have something to be even more proud of.

edit>> Forgot to say, don't sweat the rhymes. They're really not as important as the right choice of word.

Steve

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Re: The Never Ending Story
« Reply #3 on: February 15, 2009, 10:11:57 AM »
Fucking up the rythm is sorta my style. I'm not one for a smooth flow. I think the readers pay more attention to the words when they have to think about it a little. But thanks for the constructive critisim :)

Oh and she loved it :)
hey ethic if you and i were both courting lily allen..... oh wait, which one of us has a relationship that lasted more than the bus ride home?