Author Topic: An attempt at a (very) short story...  (Read 3643 times)

Stephen

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An attempt at a (very) short story...
« on: July 26, 2006, 06:20:25 PM »
   I felt my body go limp as another bitter chill rushed through my veins. Thoughts darted through my mind, searching for some seed of hope, but found only a void of pathetic realism. Yet, in that instant of numbness, I felt. For the first time... I felt. It was not a physical feeling; I was incapable of such at the time. It was not even an emotional feeling; I was not angry or afraid or sorrowful.
   As I lay there, my heart beating double or triple its typical speed, electricity surging violently through my flesh, I felt metaphysically. Tears ran down my cheeks, but not because of the searing pain I felt as my nerves attempted to perform their natural duties. The tears flowed because they had nowhere else to go – my uncaring soul had abandoned them in its desire to escape. Because they had nothing holding them back, they ran down my cheeks.
   I supposed it a natural thing – what else should I have supposed in my limited experience? As each tear fell confidently to the blackened ground and shattered beside me, my pain lessened. Again, I made the naïve supposition that this was natural: a gradual final numbness before my heart would stop or explode or whatever hearts do in such circumstances. But as I closed my eyes – it was not as though I had the desire or ability to see, anyway – I heard a sigh: a sigh of, not regret or submission, but of relief. And the pain left.
   My eyes, somewhat against my own will, sprang open, and I saw my attacker, my savior. As I looked up at him, confused, I asked, “Why did you stop?”
   With tears in his eyes, he knelt and whispered, as a child uttering his final words, “Over the years, I have become desensitized to the screams of victims. They no longer affect me. You... You were the first to cry.”


First draft, but I kind of edited during the process of writing. Criticism is greatly appreciated.

Perspective

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Re: An attempt at a (very) short story...
« Reply #1 on: July 26, 2006, 07:00:16 PM »
I don't like the ending.

The rest was good though :)

Stephen

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Re: An attempt at a (very) short story...
« Reply #2 on: July 26, 2006, 08:07:08 PM »
Thanks. Yeah, I need to work on the end, definitely. I kind of just threw it in there because I needed an ending. I'll work on that.

drakkenkorin

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Re: An attempt at a (very) short story...
« Reply #3 on: August 16, 2006, 04:27:11 PM »
Quote
As I lay there, my heart beating double or triple its typical speed, electricity surging violently through my flesh, I felt metaphysically

the underlined part: don't know why, but this part just doesn't click with me.  i know what you're trying to say, but for some reason i think there's a better way, or different way to say it.  i'll have to mull it over in my head.

the itallized part: you may have used "metaphyisically" wrong, or maybe i'm not understanding how you're using it.  its an adjective, but i don't see the noun its modifying, or am i reading its intended purpose wrong?

Quote
I saw my attacker, my savior

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOO, i like this comparison!
"I know that when I get home from work, I like to read the paper, sip a nice glass of Cabernet, and call people faggots on the internet.  Because I'm an adult." - Govtcheez

Jake

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Re: An attempt at a (very) short story...
« Reply #4 on: August 16, 2006, 04:44:26 PM »
Quote
As I lay there, my heart beating double or triple its typical speed, electricity surging violently through my flesh, I felt metaphysically

the underlined part: don't know why, but this part just doesn't click with me.  i know what you're trying to say, but for some reason i think there's a better way, or different way to say it.  i'll have to mull it over in my head.


a good adverb would take care of that - frantically? fiercely? wildly perhaps
Do not follow where the path may lead. Go instead where there is no path and leave a trail.

Stephen

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Re: An attempt at a (very) short story...
« Reply #5 on: August 16, 2006, 04:55:05 PM »
Hmm, yeah, you're definitely right about the heart beating. I actually hadn't considered an adverb. I realized that it didn't flow; it sounds too... too calculated.

The metapyhiscally is an adverb modifying the word "felt." Instead of saying something like "I had a metaphysical feeling," I'm saying "I felt metaphysically." You know? I'm probably using it incorrectly, denotively at least, but I can't find a more appropriate word to describe what I am trying to.
« Last Edit: August 16, 2006, 09:13:46 PM by Overthrown »