Author Topic: a dream  (Read 4798 times)

Jake

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a dream
« on: April 30, 2009, 10:09:59 AM »
I dreamed once that I was in the middle of a rapid mountain stream. The water was shallow and clear. The sun was just peaking through the summits and the water was frigid. I was intently still. Focused....with a quick burst of energy my mouth was under the surface of the water. My teeth pierced through the tough scales. Blood on my tongue. A real hunter; I took the dying fish and threw it onto the bank of the stream where my father was patiently waiting. What am I doing? I tilted my head towards the water. As the sun shone on the surface I saw my reflection. I was strangely calm - I was a bear.
« Last Edit: April 30, 2009, 11:19:37 PM by axon »
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KnuckleBuckett

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Re: a dream
« Reply #1 on: April 30, 2009, 12:09:39 PM »
Freak.

KnuckleBuckett

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Re: a dream
« Reply #2 on: April 30, 2009, 12:10:53 PM »
 ;)

Jake

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Re: a dream
« Reply #3 on: April 30, 2009, 04:15:31 PM »
this is a really tame dream - some of mine are really fucked up. Kafka has nothing on me.
« Last Edit: April 30, 2009, 04:24:43 PM by axon »
Do not follow where the path may lead. Go instead where there is no path and leave a trail.

KnuckleBuckett

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Re: a dream
« Reply #4 on: April 30, 2009, 04:23:18 PM »
Me too.

charlie

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Re: a dream
« Reply #5 on: April 30, 2009, 07:27:11 PM »
I'm not really good at providing feedback for this kind of stuff other than "I like it". However, I did feel the "I was a bear" part was a little too obvious, unless you make it more obvious that "I am a human" earlier in the piece. From the time you said the fish was in your mouth I just assumed you were an animal of some sort and didn't really think about a deeper metaphor/dream. Of course, now that I write this I see the title of the thread and I think maybe it's good the way it is if I had paid attention to the title first. So never mind. :)

Oh, and through --> threw. ;)

micah

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Re: a dream
« Reply #6 on: April 30, 2009, 09:31:55 PM »
I'm not really good at providing feedback for this kind of stuff other than "I like it". However, I did feel the "I was a bear" part was a little too obvious, unless you make it more obvious that "I am a human" earlier in the piece. From the time you said the fish was in your mouth I just assumed you were an animal of some sort and didn't really think about a deeper metaphor/dream. Of course, now that I write this I see the title of the thread and I think maybe it's good the way it is if I had paid attention to the title first. So never mind. :)

Oh, and through --> threw. ;)

those are exactily the same thoughts I had upon first reading.
the "I'm a bear" seem'd kind of contrived.  But other then that, I really liked it.   :thumbsup:
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Jake

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Re: a dream
« Reply #7 on: April 30, 2009, 11:27:15 PM »
Thanks guys. I think I agree. I actually wrote that as a response to one of my friend's notes on facebook this morning. You're right, cutting out the "I'm a bear" makes a lot of sense. In the actual dream, it wasn't towards the very end that I actually found out I was a bear. What got me most about the dream is my father at the bank of the stream - I can't figure that part out. I rewrote it below, emphasizing that my father is a man, and not a bear:

I dreamed once that I was in the middle of a rapid mountain stream. The water was shallow and clear. The sun was just peaking through the summits and the water was frigid. I was intently still. Focused....with a quick burst of energy my mouth was under the surface of the water. My teeth pierced through the tough scales. Blood on my tongue. A real hunter; I took the dying fish and threw it onto the bank of the stream where my father was patiently pacing, hands behind his back. What am I doing? I tilted my head towards the water. As the sun shone on the surface I saw my reflection - this powerful form was new to me. I was strangely calm.
Do not follow where the path may lead. Go instead where there is no path and leave a trail.

stealth

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Re: a dream
« Reply #8 on: May 01, 2009, 02:51:01 AM »
I have to say, I prefer the first version.  I think it's obvious that your father is a human, if you drop the "bear".

charlie

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Re: a dream
« Reply #9 on: May 01, 2009, 12:21:25 PM »
In the actual dream, it wasn't towards the very end that I actually found out I was a bear.

Yeah, I think that's what I realized halfway through my post, which is why I threw in the never mind. If the reader thinks the whole time that you're a human, then they realize with you at the end you're a bear, then "I am a bear" works fine. However, if the reader is like me the first time, and reads it as if you're an animal of some sort the whole time, then the "I am a bear" is redundant.

Also, I think I like it better without the "I dreamed once" (you just added that, didn't you?). Keeping the whole thing in the present tense works better in my opinion. Maybe just put the title of the piece in the post. :)