Topic: College admissions essay...

[Stephen]

Prompt: "What sets you apart from other applicants, based on unique educational or life experiences, personal or family circumstances, obstacles overcome and/or achievements?" (300 words or less).

My requests: suggestions on things to change, suggestions on what to omit to bring it down from 324 words.

      Over the past few years, I have come to realize that everybody plays the guitar. I feel as though my ability to confidently say that I play the guitar is in no way special. However, as I have pondered this, something has become clear: I am different. I do not just play the guitar. I lift spirits, I calm souls, I break and piece together the hearts of lovers and youth. I am a Musician, an Artist, a Creator. I am a guitarist.
   I first picked up a guitar two years ago, attracted by its beautiful figure. As I began to teach myself the fundamentals and intricacies of such a wondrous creation, I felt, to my surprise, a connection to neither the instrument nor its product; it was a burden to press down those biting strings –I could hear cruel laughter behind each ugly, snarling chord. Yet I continued to play, hoping that the passion I longed for would one day find me, capture me.
   Then, one lovely summer day, I fell in love; it happens to the best of us. She was beautiful, sweet, and her voice had a soft clarity to it. The first time she whispered into my ear, I heard that perfect tone of a fingerpicked guitar. And from then on, I could create Love. My guitar, like that soothing harp of David, can now create, does create, the emotions, bitter or sweet, that I, the rubber of the lamp, ask her to. Sometimes it is even as though I do not control that guitar; she controls me, shapes my emotions, changes my person. As a guitarist, I have lost that facelessness in which so many seem to have lost themselves. I am what that guitar has made me: that guitar has become part of me – my entrance and my escape.
   I am a Musician.

[Perspective]

So... you're applying to the engineering departement?

[Stephen]

Close, business administration.

Edit:
Going into English (or I so intend), if you actually want to know, haha.

[charlie]

Nice writing, although, and this is just an impression, perhaps, perhaps not, there are a few sentences that, at least as I read them, have too many commas. This isn't a problem in and of itself, at least not to my mind, however, as I read those sentences, I, a simple computer programmer, lose the flow amongst the pauses, so to speak.

Also, if you have to pare down some words, I think the first paragraoh can be hacked up a bit. The first few sentences aren't really necessary, and they don't woo me as much as the everything after.

Just one opinion.

[Stephen]

Okay, thank you very much! I took out a few unnecessary sentences in the first paragraph. I've been told by members of another forum that, while it is decently written, it's quite generic, and I'm inclined to agree with them. Does anybody have any thoughts or suggestions regarding this?

[[stealth]]

Sounds a bit wank, but otherwise it's pretty good.

[Stephen]

It sounds a bit huh?

[[stealth]]

like you're a bit precocious/pretentious.  i don't know, its just if i personally read that i would think you were a bit silly.  is this what really sets you apart from everyone else? can you really just call yourself an artist or do you have to earn the title? i would maybe write a story about the first song you ever learned or wrote and what that involved, what challenged you, what motivated you, what it meant to you and how it helped you grow as a person.  just thoughts, you can take it or leave it.

[Stephen]

Okay, thanks for the advice, I really appreciate/need it.

[charlie]

So you're a musician. You're an artist. How does that make you different from other applicants? Do you see beauty in little things more than others? Do you have a greater sense of awareness and appreciation of the world around you? Do you have more of a point of view, are you better at expressing it? Does being a musician give you a goal for this earth, yourself, or the people around you? Does it give you passion? Will you use that passion to make the most out of your opportunity at school?

Etc... etc... so on and so forth...