Cool ideas here Aran! the poem read outloud is a bit "cluncky" and akward. Lines like this one: >>so you sink, like a dirty thing.<< are quite harsh, like you were having a hard time coming up with something better, but couldn't so left this as is. We all do it, I know, but it would be better for the whole effect if it was masterfully redone
But, aran, could you tell me if you feel that your poem is universal? and if so, what message are you trying to convey? I've read the poem several times, and can't find a clear train of thought - or even an unclear one; this leads to the conclusion that the poem is quite personal, and fully understood just by you, but I might be wrong