Author Topic: Matt Grey  (Read 3879 times)

ahluka

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Matt Grey
« on: October 21, 2005, 08:24:36 AM »
My first piece of writing. I was trying to capture the image out of my lounge window - critiscm welcome :)

Quote

Perls on a glaze,
Roll silently down the haze,
Washed away
by bolts of liquid from above;
the heavens.

Shades of green at a distance,
Wiggle gracefully in the mist,
as from above
it does piss.

Matt grey reflected off the rooftops,
Graced by a rare streak of sunshine.


I've read it through a few times and feel it's not quite finished.

Jake

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Matt Grey
« Reply #1 on: October 21, 2005, 09:41:19 AM »
hey, pretty cool - glad you're writing :)

the poem is pretty much all about images, but there doesn't seem to be a central thing connecting them. Your first two lines rhyme, and make the reader expect the same for the rest of the poem - not sure if you want that affect.

So what was the intent behind this peace? what is the message you want the reader to get?
Do not follow where the path may lead. Go instead where there is no path and leave a trail.

ahluka

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Matt Grey
« Reply #2 on: October 21, 2005, 09:59:56 AM »
I want the reader to see what I see...

I'm not sure I wanted the first two lines to rhyme, besides I find it harder to write if I'm constantly trying to think of a word which rhymes with X.

I got the first line from the raindrops on the window, and the second from the condensation, and the next three from other raindrops "pushing" the pearls down. Looking back over it the second verse (is this the right word?) is a bit all over the place - the first two lines are pretty complimentary of each other (they describe the trees and fields in the distance) but the next two lines don't really add much to the scene. I think I need to change those.

I was looking at the rooftops of my neighbors when writing the 3rd verse (?) and I feel it ends the poem abruptly - sort of unfinished. For some reason I think I felt obligated to include the title of the poem in the poem itself... I shouldn't do that.

Hmm...

Jake

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Matt Grey
« Reply #3 on: October 21, 2005, 10:08:07 AM »
here is a good exercise for you: condense all, or just one, of these images into a haiku. :)
Do not follow where the path may lead. Go instead where there is no path and leave a trail.

ahluka

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Matt Grey
« Reply #4 on: October 21, 2005, 10:09:22 AM »
Quote from: axon
here is a good exercise for you: condense all, or just one, of these images into a haiku. :)


OOO I've read about those, that'd be a bit hard for a novice writer like me :(

Jake

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Matt Grey
« Reply #5 on: October 21, 2005, 10:13:16 AM »
give it a shot. Haiku's are great for image poems. They teach you how to "shave off" the unnecessary words while retaining the same meaning.
Do not follow where the path may lead. Go instead where there is no path and leave a trail.

ahluka

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Matt Grey
« Reply #6 on: October 21, 2005, 10:14:41 AM »
Ok I'll give it my best shot. Just don't laugh if I end up with jumble of words.

*edit*

I'll even try and include a seasonal word :)

ahluka

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Matt Grey
« Reply #7 on: October 21, 2005, 10:30:30 AM »
Ok here it is - I have my doubts, but...

Quote

Pearls running away,
Leaves of orange from above,
Dull colours reflected.


Holy shit I've just realised how much that doesn't make sense. It took me about 5-6 minutes to write the poem and more to write the Haiku (badly).
What do you think?

Jake

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Matt Grey
« Reply #8 on: October 21, 2005, 11:00:38 AM »
try this: concentrate on only one image at a time. Write a haiku about each one, and finally join them alltogether in one poem - and now I'm off to class.
Do not follow where the path may lead. Go instead where there is no path and leave a trail.

ahluka

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Matt Grey
« Reply #9 on: October 21, 2005, 12:26:09 PM »
Well I'll write some more to see what I can come up with :)
I've turned my main site (which wasn't being used for anything) into a place for my writing. It's tacky, only took me an hour or so.

*edit*

Heh, silly me, forgot URL. http://www.ahluka.co.uk
Not much there except Matt Grey, and the site ain't finished yet.
« Last Edit: October 22, 2005, 01:17:54 PM by ahluka »