Author Topic: Random Thoughts behind the "Sound Proof" Glass  (Read 3439 times)

Jake

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Random Thoughts behind the "Sound Proof" Glass
« on: May 02, 2005, 10:19:34 PM »
I've composed this poem today, so it is an extremely rough draft. Let me know what you guys think :)

Random Thoughts behind the “Sound Proof” Glass

Studying and reading – thinking and contemplating
life with its problems, mysteries, and faults. Why
am I here? – they ask silently. Heavy Silence – a
profound thought. Varied handwriting like Chicago’s
Spring weather changes from word to word from
line to line. Is it me or this stupid pen – bleeding
and staining my hands with its ink.

What does ‘I’ look like anyhow?
Is I like a Doric column standing strong and tall
supporting the weight of the Western thought?
Or, is I a straight vertical line: Up-down or bottom-top
lonely, confused and betrayed?
Or, is I like “they’ve” thought you in school –
a small ‘l’ stranded on a boat on a furious sea?
I – is complex, of that I am certain. Isn’t this glass
sound proof?

I thought it was, yet I can hear her listening to my pen
think as it scribbles and doodles and glides
on a page covered with hope, utter trash, and
blood colored ink.
Do not follow where the path may lead. Go instead where there is no path and leave a trail.

[stealth]

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Random Thoughts behind the "Sound Proof" Glass
« Reply #1 on: May 02, 2005, 11:27:50 PM »
To be honest this is boring and lacks focus.  "ing" is passive - the poem starts off far too softly for the impact I feel you're trying to give it:

>>Studying and reading – thinking and contemplating
life with its problems, mysteries, and faults.

>>Isn’t this glass sound proof? <<

I find the mind as "sound proof" glass a weak image, or at least an image that's not fleshed out enough.

>> I thought it was, yet I can hear her listening to my pen
think as it scribbles and doodles and glides
on a page covered with hope, utter trash, and
blood colored ink.

I like this though.  It's colour btw ;)
...

Jake

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Random Thoughts behind the "Sound Proof" Glass
« Reply #2 on: May 02, 2005, 11:36:42 PM »
>>To be honest this is boring and lacks focus. "ing" is passive - the poem starts off far too softly for the impact I feel you're trying to give it:<<

thats just it, a stream of conciousness. I did this on purpose to mimick the act of picking up a pen and just starting to write, and write, and write hoping that something materializes. As the poem goes onword, the ideas get deeper and deeper (although they might be silly ;) ) finally, an idea comes to mind that is deeper then all the rest and takes up some undistracted time in your mind - like visualizing the 'I' in the poem. and then suddenly, it all breaks up because it is, afterall, nothing more than a random thought of a random person.

>>I find the mind as "sound proof" glass a weak image, or at least an image that's not fleshed out enough.<<

this image was not intended btw - its all in your head :).
Do not follow where the path may lead. Go instead where there is no path and leave a trail.

[stealth]

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Random Thoughts behind the "Sound Proof" Glass
« Reply #3 on: May 02, 2005, 11:40:53 PM »
>>thats just it, a stream of conciousness. I did this on purpose to mimick the act of picking up a pen and just starting to write, and write, and write hoping that something materializes.<<

SoC it may be, but it feels forced to me.
...

[stealth]

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Random Thoughts behind the "Sound Proof" Glass
« Reply #4 on: May 02, 2005, 11:41:28 PM »
>>this image was not intended btw - its all in your head<<

Well I kind of got it from the title actually :D
...

Jake

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Random Thoughts behind the "Sound Proof" Glass
« Reply #5 on: May 02, 2005, 11:59:28 PM »
the first rewrite. I decided to drop the first couple lines, because (you're right Stealth) ing's really don't work. My goal here was to blend images together so that the reader can decide for herself how it is read best.

Random Thoughts behind the “Sound Proof” Glass

Heavy Silence – a profound thought comes in to sight
through speckled handwriting like Chicago’s
Spring weather changes from word to word from
line to line. Is it me or this stupid pen – bleeding
and staining my hands with its ink?

What does ‘I’ look like anyhow?
Is I – like a Doric column standing strong and tall
supporting the weight of the Western thought?
Or, is I – a straight vertical line: Up-down or bottom-top
lonely, confused and betrayed?
Or, is I – like “they’ve” thought you in school:
a small 'l' trapped on a boat on a furious sea?
I – is complex, of that I am certain – Isn’t this glass
sound proof?

I thought it was, yet I can hear her listening to my
pen think as it scribbles and doodles and glides
on a page covered with hope, utter trash, and
blood colored ink.
Do not follow where the path may lead. Go instead where there is no path and leave a trail.

Ken Fitlike

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Random Thoughts behind the "Sound Proof" Glass
« Reply #6 on: May 03, 2005, 08:12:01 AM »
From the first version,
Quote from: axon
....Why
am I here?....
was effective - two questions for the price of one isn't bad. ;) The ink-blood metaphor is useful, too, which makes me wonder why you switched to using it as a simile (weird, that word looks too much like smilie :rolleyes: ) at the end? Particularly so since you've got a nice resonance going there with the thinking pen...
Quote from: axon
I – is complex
Superb - and true (always a good combination), but I was half-expecting a 'root' quip in there but then, I suppose, that would have been overkill. :) I really like the divergence you've induced  there - on the one hand fixing interpretation of self into a strong mathematical a priori 'truth' while, on the other, a much more liberal and superficial interpretation of 'complexity' is invited. The 'doric' and 'western' leaves me in no doubt what your frame of reference is, though.

Why 'Chicago' when 'Windy City' is well known and arguably more evocative?

It's not bad, axon. :)
And what rough beast, its hour come round at last,
Slouches towards Bethlehem to be born?.

Jake

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Random Thoughts behind the "Sound Proof" Glass
« Reply #7 on: May 03, 2005, 03:55:01 PM »
>>The 'doric' and 'western' leaves me in no doubt what your frame of reference is, though.<<

so, in your opinion is it a good, or a bad thing?

>>Why 'Chicago' when 'Windy City' is well known and arguably more evocative?<<

that is a great tip - I'll include that in the next edit.

>>I was half-expecting a 'root' quip in there but then, I suppose, that would have been overkill.<<

That's what I thought as well, but that would go too deep into its meaning for the purpose of this poem.  However, I was playing with the idea of dropping the first and last stanzas all together and just play around with the 'I' one - hmmmmm :dunno:
Do not follow where the path may lead. Go instead where there is no path and leave a trail.

Ken Fitlike

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Random Thoughts behind the "Sound Proof" Glass
« Reply #8 on: May 03, 2005, 05:39:56 PM »
Quote from: axon
so, in your opinion is it a good, or a bad thing?
It's just interesting.
And what rough beast, its hour come round at last,
Slouches towards Bethlehem to be born?.

Jake

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Random Thoughts behind the "Sound Proof" Glass
« Reply #9 on: May 03, 2005, 08:05:22 PM »
thanks for the help so far Ken and Stealth!

another draft. I reintroduced the beginning into the poem, although I still not like it, but currently don't have a good idea how to change it in order to be satisfied. Overall, the middle stanza is very satisfactory - ending is pretty decent as well... let me know what you think about this one

Random Thoughts behind the “Sound Proof” Glass

Thinking; reading and studying; contemplating
life with all its problems, wonders, and faults. Why
am I here? Asked silently as a profound thought comes
in to sight weaved through speckled handwriting
like Windy City’s Spring weather changes from word to
word from line to line. Is it me or this dense pen – bleeding
and staining my hands with its ink?

What does ‘I’ look like anyhow?
Is I – like a Doric column standing strong and tall
supporting the weight of the Western thought?
Or, is I – a straight vertical line: Up-down or bottom-top
lonely, confused and betrayed?
Or, is I – like “they’ve” thought you in school:
a small 'l' trapped on a boat battered by a furious sea?
I – is complex, of that I am certain...

Isn’t this glass sound proof? I thought it was, yet I can
hear her listening to my pen think as it scribbles and
doodles and glides on a page sheltered by hope, filled
with utter trash, and red colored ink.
Do not follow where the path may lead. Go instead where there is no path and leave a trail.

Ken Fitlike

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Random Thoughts behind the "Sound Proof" Glass
« Reply #10 on: May 03, 2005, 08:43:28 PM »
You're right - the first stanza sucks. It's heavy and cumbersome and the intent you have seems largely redundant.

As a suggestion, try reworking it like the last one - succinct and fixed in reality. That way you have the central, themic stanza sandwiched between the two; the second is where all the introspection is going on anyway, the first and third seem to serve to 'fix' it in reality where your 'blood+ink+spring+wind' metaphors are most effective.

Reduce the baggage, for example, for :
Quote
like Windy City’s Spring weather changes from word to
try,
Quote
like Windy City’s weather Springs from word to
By capitalising 'Spring' the season is more than implied and the word itself arguably conveys more impetus and vigour than 'change' itself does. Think c++ overloading and not c linear screed procedures. ;)

The last verse is good - I just got that 'she' isn't a person because I'm thick, but I'm going to say that it works even better because of that. :)
And what rough beast, its hour come round at last,
Slouches towards Bethlehem to be born?.

Jake

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Random Thoughts behind the "Sound Proof" Glass
« Reply #11 on: May 03, 2005, 08:57:13 PM »
Thanks Ken...-Ken- and I are actually immersed in it at the moment. I'm flooding him with some ideas... some strangely similar to this:

Quote
As a suggestion, try reworking it like the last one - succinct and fixed in reality. That way you have the central, themic stanza sandwiched between the two; the second is where all the introspection is going on anyway, the first and third seem to serve to 'fix' it in reality where your 'blood+ink+spring+wind' metaphors are most effective.


more to come later!  :) :)
Do not follow where the path may lead. Go instead where there is no path and leave a trail.

Jake

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Random Thoughts behind the "Sound Proof" Glass
« Reply #12 on: May 03, 2005, 10:12:12 PM »
its getting there:

Random Thoughts behind the “Sound Proof” Glass

Contemplating in an enduring reality, the monism
of Life with its problems, wonders, and faults. Why?
Asked silently as a profound thought comes
in to sight weaved through speckled handwriting
like Windy City’s weather Springs from word to
word from day to day. Is it me or this dense pen –
bleeding and staining my hands with its ink?

What does ‘I’ look like anyhow?
Is I – like a Doric column standing strong and tall
supporting the weight of the Western thought?
Or, is I – a straight vertical line: Up-down or bottom-top
lonely, confused and betrayed?
Or, is I – like “they’ve” thought you in school:
a small 'l' trapped on a boat battered by a furious sea?
I – is complex, of that I am certain...

Isn’t this glass sound proof? I thought it was,
yet I can hear her listening to my pen
think as it scribbles and doodles and glides on a page
sheltered by hope, filled with utter trash and
red colored ink.
« Last Edit: May 03, 2005, 10:55:18 PM by axon »
Do not follow where the path may lead. Go instead where there is no path and leave a trail.

[stealth]

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Random Thoughts behind the "Sound Proof" Glass
« Reply #13 on: May 04, 2005, 04:13:41 AM »
>>thanks for the help so far Ken and Stealth!<<

Bollocks, at least on my part.  My "poetry" is shite!

>>Is it me or this dense pen –
bleeding and staining my hands with its ink?

Awesome.
...

Jake

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Random Thoughts behind the "Sound Proof" Glass
« Reply #14 on: May 04, 2005, 06:34:47 AM »
>>Bollocks, at least on my part. My "poetry" is shite!<<

Oh stealth, stop being so modest :p
Do not follow where the path may lead. Go instead where there is no path and leave a trail.